By Joe Baiamonte
Lionel Andres Messi is a lot of things; A destroyer of defences, re-writer of history books, one time mullet enthusiast, polka dotted suit aficionado and a footballing deity to millions around the globe. One thing he could never be accused of though (unless you’re a Real Madrid fan or Cristiano Ronaldo obsessive), is being an utter bastard. Until now, that is.
The revelations this week that Messi and his father Jorge have apparently diddled the Spanish Government out of 4.1 million Euros in unpaid tax finally painted Messi in a different light. The light which has illuminated so many of the game’s greats over the years; The light of the rogue.
The art of bastardry has been the only talent the Carlton Banks sized genius has failed to add to his repertoire. His predecessor and original Argentine half pint hero Diego Maradona was a phenomenally gifted evader of tax, long before Wesley Snipes brought the art form into vogue in Hollywood.Aside from thumbing his nose at the taxman, Diego also enjoyed cocaine fuelled hot tub parties with the Neapolitan mafia, the Camorra. But rifling half of Colombia up his nostrils while strategically placing his gentleman’s region over a Jacuzzi jet wasn’t Maradona’s only vice in Naples. He also fathered an illegitimate son and had Napoli officials doctor his urine samples to avoid any potential lengthy drugs bans. Oh, and then he left Napoli in a cloud of shame before becoming a very public (and obese) supporter of Fidel Castro.
This, for us, is where little Leo sorely lacks. He’s a joy to behold on the pitch, but off it, has appeared angelic and therefore duller than Rotherham for too long. You’d certainly have a hard time imagining Messi dancing to the Stones on Top of The Pops before enjoying a pyramid of Champagne and the knocking of sensual boots with a Miss World or six like George Best did. Nor could you picture him thundering his head through an opposition defender’s chest ala Zidane OR getting a monkey pissed off its chops at his son’s FIRST Birthday party like Brazilian Edmundo did in 1999.
Now, finally, Lionel Messi seems to be on the rocky road to Rogue. It’s a destination where only the finest prosper, amidst a heady brew of unpaid tax, sordid affairs and pissed monkeys. Here, I take a look at just some of the headlines I, nay, we all want to see linked to the fun size Argentine over the coming years as his ‘alleged’ tax evasion snowballs into a life of debauched mayhem . . .
Lionel Messi – Cat Strangler
With the Catalan authorities breathing down Leo and father Jorge’s necks, Messi jr hatches a ‘triffic plan to get off the hook. Channelling his inner Harry Redknapp, he reminds his father how the King of the car window press conference avoided punishment for the same crime by having offshore bank accounts set up in the name of his pet dog, Rosie. When his father points out that Lionel doesn’t actually own a dog, Messi springs into action and kidnaps the first animal he sees, a stray cat that has wandered onto his grounds.
Unfortunately, Leo’s feline based defence doesn’t hold up in court and he is ordered to pay a monstrous fine in lieu of jail time. Upon returning home, Messi is greeted by his furry failed Get Out of Jail Free card, grooming its own behind in the garden. Sickened and angry, Leo approaches ‘Pep Junior’ with faux affection, before ruthlessly strangling the wretched arse licking stray to death, all the while screaming “Shitty cat, I hate you more than Alvaro Arbeloa and his ugly wife!” much to the horror of the postman, who snaps the enraged Ballon D’Or holder and sells the photo to Madridista daily Marca.
“Lionel Messi Volleyed My Daughter’s Wendy House to Pieces”
Apoplectic with rage over the cat strangling photos being linked to Marca, Messi vows revenge on the postman who took them in the first place. On a balmy Catalonian evening, Leo ventures into the suburbs disguised as a homeless street vendor (you know, one of those that tries to sell you single cans of Estrella for more than they are in the shop round the corner). Realising no one is home, the Argentina captain silently enters the back garden, muttering about the unreliability of the Catalan postal service. Tired of waiting for the postman and his family to arrive home, Leo discovers a football underneath the bushes and fiendishly targets the postman’s daughters Wendy House on the opposite end of the grass. Laughing maniacally, Messi sets about a one man game of Headers and Volleys, destroying the house with almost military precision. With every shot that hits the house, Messi screams “GOL! GOL! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!” blissfully unaware that the postman and his family have returned home from church and are bearing witness to the finest footballer in the world, dressed as a tramp, destroying their four year old daughter’s most prized possession. Needless to say, the following morning, Marca have a new headline to run with.
Lionel Messi – Bigger Than The Beatles?
Disillusioned with the furore surrounding his recent actions, Messi decides to make a political statement against the Spanish Government through the medium of song. The Rosario rapscallion aptly chooses to cover ‘Taxman’ by The Beatles, penned by George Harrison in 1966 in opposition to the high levels of tax the band had to pay under Harold Wilson’s Labour government. The cover, available in both Spanish and English versions, is a disaster. Messi’s hastily assembled backing band fails to grasp the musicianship of the tune, with Alexis Sanchez in particular drawing Messi’s ire for struggling with the bass line. Messi storms out of the recording studio, hurling slanderous anti-Chilean insults at Sanchez and not so politely informing Cesc Fabregas that he’s “shitter than Ringo” on drums. Worse is to follow for Leo, as it turns out he had not acquired the recording rights to cover the song and will face legal action should he choose to release it. Messi blames the entire episode on Sanchez and demands him to be deported back to Chile, for crimes against music. Messi soon changes his tune when he realises he actually can’t afford to pay for hiring the studio or the equipment and asks Sanchez to sub him until he gets his affairs in order.
Messi: “My Fanta Lemon Binge Hell”
Things go from bad to worse for the four-time World Player of the Year, as Pepsi sensationally terminate his multi-million pound contract with them. Outraged, Leo swears revenge, even going as far to say that he’d rather drink warm Lilt than Pepsi. Running out of money and friends, Leo looks to turn to drink. Unfortunately, due to being in possession of both the height and complexion of a 10 year old, no bar owners or off licenses will serve poor Lionel. Despondent, he pettily shoplifts a can of Fanta Lemon, made by Pepsi’s arch rivals Coca Cola. Proud of his treachery, Leo swigs the can all the way down La Rambla, the refreshing citrus blast both quenching his thirst and providing the sugary high he so desperately craves. However, it soon becomes apparent that one can won’t be enough. The combination of tongue tingling lemon refreshment and the ‘fuck you’ to Pepsi of drinking a rival’s product is too much to resist. Messi spirals out of control, even calling a waiter an “empty headed arsehole” for serving him Fanta Lemon Zero by mistake. Soon though, Leo is found in the gutters of Barcelona’s Gothic Quarter, nursing a half empty three litre bottle, sporting a ghastly bumfluff beard and babbling incoherently about Cristiano Ronaldo being a “silly Portuguese poofter”. Messi is swiftly admitted to rehab with a sugar addiction, known in the industry as ‘Haribosis’.
Lionel Messi and Gillian Taylforth in Dogging DebacleAs the season begins, Messi struggles to find form, due in no small part to his off the field activities during pre-season. In September, Barcelona are drawn in the same Champion’s League group as England’s most celebrated fourth placed team, Arsenal. During the match, Messi continues to struggle in front of goal, a common occurrence during trips to England. The usually deathly silent Emirates faithful taunt Messi with the ever so original chant of “You couldn’t score in a brothel” as he is substituted 15 minutes from the end. “Can and will!” Messi responds, under his breath as he slumps onto the bench. That night, Messi goes punting for London’s finest knocking shop, but disorientates himself in a blur of tube and night bus confusion and finds himself alone in Chiswick. Unbeknownst to Messi, Chiswick has become a hotspot for al fresco bodging and soon he happens upon a veritable all you can eat buffet in the form of a secluded dogging site. Transfixed and enlightened by what seems to be an Ford Orion based orgy, Lionel is soon having headlights flashed at him by a middle aged blonde tart with the lusty look of a weather beaten, tia maria drinker.
Excited and aroused, Lionel drops trou and enters the front seat, to be greeted by former Eastenders and car park blowjob enthusiast, Gillian Taylforth. Down on her luck after being forced into accepting a role in Hollyoaks, Gillian reveals to Leo that she is returning to what she does best, orally pleasuring strange men in the front seats of cars. However, before Leo can hit the target, his romantic evening is ruined by the filth, who raid the site, arresting everyone. Leo suffers the indignation of being the first man to be arrested while wearing a Phil Mitchell mask.
Footballer Messi Retires to Realise Dream of Becoming a Full-Time ‘Hallraiser’
With his private life a mess and his football skills on the wane, Lionel Messi retires from football, citing that he has achieved everything there is to in the game and that he has recently heard something which has changed his life. The something in question is revealed to be ‘You Make my Dreams Come True’, the seminal recording of American soft rock duo, Hall and Oates. Messi reveals that he is now devoting his time to a life on the road, following H&O from city to city, across the globe as a full-time ‘Hallraiser’. Upon making the announcement, Messi reverts to only ever speaking in Hall and Oates lyrics, much to the chagrin of the bemused throng of journalists who have gathered for the historical announcement.
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